School's about to start. Tryouts or new teams are happening or about to happen. New coach, new team, new season, a whole new chapter is opening up in the next couple of weeks, and in the middle of all that logistics, I want to slow you down for one question before the first whistle blows.

Why does your kid actually play?

Not why do they play well, or why should they make the team. Why do they play at all. I ask athletes this constantly, and you'd be surprised how often I get a blank stare back. Most kids have never actually been asked. They've just been playing, moving from season to season, team to team, without anyone pausing to check what's underneath it.

Here's why this question matters more than almost anything else I teach

The research on this is consistent: athletes whose "why" is rooted in things like getting better, being with friends, or genuinely loving the game handle a tough season completely differently than athletes whose "why" is winning, earning playing time, or chasing a scholarship. Not because the second group cares less, often it's the opposite, they care so much it becomes fragile. When your entire reason for playing depends on outcomes you can't fully control, every loss, bench, or bad game threatens the whole thing. When your "why" is something you carry with you regardless of the score, a bad game is just a bad game. It doesn't put the whole identity at risk.

This is the actual mechanism behind mental toughness that outlasts a season. Not gritted teeth. A "why" strong enough to survive a slump.

The part most parents don't realize: your kid's why is often borrowed from you

Here's the uncomfortable truth. Kids are remarkably good at reading what actually matters to the adults around them, not what we say matters, but what we react to. If the car ride home is tense after a loss and cheerful after a win, your kid learns their why fast, whether you meant to teach it or not. This isn't about blame. It's about awareness. Before you can help your athlete find a "why" that'll hold up under pressure, it's worth asking yourself the same question about why you show up to their games in the first place.

A simple exercise for the week before the season starts

This works best as a real conversation, not an interrogation, maybe on a drive, maybe before bed, whenever your kid is relaxed and not being evaluated on anything. Ask:

You're not looking for a perfect answer. You're looking for anything real. Write down what they say, even just in your phone. Bring it back up mid-season, especially after a hard loss or bad performance, "hey, remember when you told me your favorite part was X" is one of the most grounding things you can hand a discouraged kid.

One small thing to do this week

Have this conversation once, this week, before the first tryout or first practice. That's it. You don't need to turn it into a big production. The goal is just to plant the question early, so when adversity shows up in week four or five, your athlete already has an answer to come back to, one that isn't about the scoreboard.

Reply and tell me what your athlete said. I collect these, and every season I'm amazed at how much clarity a kid can offer when someone finally just asks.

Here's to a strong start to the season, for them, and for you.

In your corner,

Coach Dave

Performance Coach

www.coachdave.me

P.S. If your athlete struggles to answer at first, that's normal, not a red flag. Ask again in a week. The question matters more than getting a perfect answer on the first try.

3 Ways to Work with Me

Follow along: Instagram link · · Facebook link — quick, practical mental performance tips between newsletters.

1:1 & Family Coaching: Want personalized support for your athlete, or for yourself as a sports parent? Coaching

Team & Organization Workshops: Bring the mental game to your organization, whole team, club, or program. Workshop